Rhubarb

I stopped buying newspapers the day after the blatantly biased match report of Oldham's narrow 7 -1 home defeat by Cardiff in the South Wales Tribune and Herald in March 2002. By all accounts, I haven't missed much and knowing that I would be unable to give a positive answer to "Did you see that story in the paper?", my good friend Bill often drops me a line to draw my attention to any gardening related stories he thinks I might want to cast an eye over.
The latest missive from Bill concerned a story in The Independent who have jumped on the 'grow your own food' bandwagon in a big way.
Alarm bells should have rung when I saw the headline 'Grow your own veg - you'll dig the savings' but I soldiered on and was stunned to discover that Kate Hughes, the writer of the piece, claimed that 'a standard allotment can yield about a ton of vegetables'. Now I don't know what size allotment the lass had in mind but unless you're growing giant pumpkins around the clock, on a plot the size of a football pitch, you're not going to need industrial-sized scales.
I stopped reading when she suggested readers might try growing wheat in order that they could make their own bread. I believe that a letter from a reader the following week asked how a threshing machine could be operated in the confines of an allotment, so I was pleased to discover that I wasn't the only one who thought it was a daft idea.
I treated the family to a weekend in London recently and we hit the usual tourist haunts including Covent Garden. Amongst the stalls selling scented candles (they're bloody everywhere) was a 'working allotment' which was the centrepiece of the Spring Renaissance Festival.
I am not normally impressed by such blatant attempts at 'going green' but there were plenty of people showing a great deal of interest in it and a young woman, sat by the shed, apparently willing to offer growing advice to anyone interested.
I dutifully waited my turn, which is more than several European visitors were able to do, and decided to quiz the young lady about the current state of my rhubarb.
I'm afraid to say, despite my high standing in the allotment movement, that my rhubarb has created a certain amount of mirth amongst the plot holders.
Unlike everybody else's, my rhubarb has decided to flower several months early.
I do have a rough idea as to why this has happened but I thought I would get the advice of a fellow 'expert'
I was not prepared for the answer she gave me when I told her that the rhubarb was trying to flower and it must have shown in my face.
"Wow, fabulous", was her answer.
Now there are a lot of things in life which are 'fabulous', Andy Ritchie's injury time equaliser for Oldham in the Littlewoods Cup quarter final against Southampton in 1990, obviously springs to mind straight away but flowering rhubarb doesn't come halfway close.
Knowing my reaction in similar circumstances, I was bundled away by Mrs MV and it is true to say that I was a little bit lost for words. If Jocasta (which was probably what she was called) had answered "You're a pretty crap gardener then", I would have taken it like a man but I couldn't get her words out of my mind for days.
I have decided therefore to widen my campaign net to rid the world of the scented candle, feng shui decorators, decking 'experts' and now Patsy Stone imitators in dungarees. You have been warned.
Incidentally, if your rhubarb is flowering early it is likely that infertile soils and extreme drought may cause a flower stalk formation. Age may be another factor. Old plants tend to flower more than young ones.
Regardless of the reason, flower stalks should be promptly pulled and discarded. Plants will be less productive if allowed to flower and set seeds.
Either that or you're a crap gardener.