Liquid Gold

As June drifts gently into July, thoughts on our allotment turn to the yearly awards for the best turned out vegetables. For many years, our members have entered a great deal of competitions in the area and I am pleased to say that our trophy cabinet is the envy of every grower for miles around.
We have managed to corner the market in giant vegetables with particular attention being focused upon our impressive marrows, pumpkins, cabbages and leeks. Such is our success, that several companies involved in vegetable production on a mass scale have approached us for advice. I have had to carefully sift through the various letters we've received in case they breach our strict code of practice regulations, as financial or other incentives contravene rules 59, 60 and 76a.
A certain company, who I am afraid I'm not at liberty to divulge the name of, was very interested in the success we've had with courgettes and I willingly agreed to conduct a trial using various fertilisers.
As you can see from the picture on the left, the three courgette plants are of differing sizes, yet they were all put in the ground at the same time on the same day.
The plant at the top of the picture has been fed with an organic fertiliser available at most garden centres.
The next one down has been fed with a chemical fertiliser also widely available.
The plant in the foreground has been fed with Mystic Veg soil improver™ .
Clearly, the one in the foreground is the largest (and it has nothing to do with the camera angle before anyone mentions it) showing that the methods employed on our allotment are far more successful than those using commercially available products.
Naturally, the unnamed company were desperate to know more about our courgette success but they were more than a little surprised when I told them how it was done.
Using knowledge passed down from my ancestors in ancient Egypt, I regularly 'water' the plants with an 8:1 mixture of water and urine. Before you all rush off to piss on your plants, I think it is important to point out one or two things.
Firstly, it only works with male urine. I've no idea why but it may have something to do with aiming.
Secondly, whatever liquid you've been drinking makes a great deal of difference also. It appears that tea, coffee and soft drinks aren't suitable but a decent bladder full of best bitter is ideal.
Finally, you need to direct the liquid to the roots of the plant which I do with a plastic bottle with the end sawn off (right).
The commercial growers were so keen to see this method in action that they erected a small bar on the allotment and we packed them off to the nearby Poachers Brewery to keep us in supplies.
I'm not sure if the experiment was a successful one or not as the growers and their bar had disappeared when I woke up amongst Joe Branston's celery this morning.
Still, we were all more than happy to have helped in a scientific experiment and I have been urged to point out that the flatulence produced after a lengthy session on Hopshackle Special Bitter does wonders for tomatoes grown in a polytunnel.